The Question That Hurts More Than You Know: “When Are You Having Kids?”
What felt like an innocent question—“When are you having kids?”—hit hard during our infertility journey. This is a story of struggle, perspective, and the surprising lesson I learned when I found myself asking that same question.

The Question No One Trying to Conceive Wants to Hear
One of the hardest questions couples trying to conceive often hear is: “When are you going to start a family?”
It seems innocent enough to the person asking, but for those of us in the thick of trying and struggling, it can feel like a gut punch.
My husband and I heard this question countless times during the 13 months we tried to conceive our first child. Each time, it stung a little more. I remember crying after every negative pregnancy test, not just from disappointment, but from the weight of feeling like something was wrong with me. I felt broken, confused, and alone. We tried everything—old wives’ tales, tracking cycles, staying hopeful—but month after month, nothing worked. The stress only piled on.
Eventually, we decided to see a doctor. It turned out my fallopian tubes were blocked, which was preventing conception. After a minor procedure to clear them, we were blessed to find out we were pregnant just a month later.
I’m incredibly grateful that our issue had a relatively simple solution. But I know that’s not the case for everyone. Many couples try for years without success. So when someone casually asks, “When are you having kids?”—they often have no idea of the silent struggle unfolding behind closed doors.
For the longest time, I thought that was the most insensitive question you could ask someone—until I caught myself doing the exact same thing. A close friend and her husband were newly married, and I asked them when they planned to have kids. She, understandably, was upset with me.
It gave me pause. I had to sit with it and reflect. I later explained my intent: “I’m asking not to pressure you, but because I genuinely like you both so much—I think the world could use more people like you.”
That realization shifted something in me. It helped me see that, more often than not, these questions come from a place of love, admiration, or curiosity—not judgment or cruelty. And while that doesn't erase the pain they may unintentionally cause, it does soften the sting a little.
If you’re in the middle of trying to conceive, know that your feelings are valid—every tear, every ounce of frustration, every moment of doubt. And if someone asks that question, try to remember they may not know the depth of your journey. They may even be trying, in their own clumsy way, to express love.
And if you’re the one tempted to ask someone else when they’re starting a family, consider instead saying, “I hope whatever path you’re on brings you happiness.” Because at the end of the day, what we all really want is to feel seen, supported, and understood—wherever we are in our journey.